Letting Go

As the old year passes into the new, Sharon and Mike are dealing with multiple personal losses. They have each divorced and moved to new cities—leaving relationships and their homes of many years. They are struggling with a loss of history and identity, and the grief is intense and understandable. Having tried unsuccessfully for years to salvage their respective relationships, they are having trouble letting go. They believe that the future will be worse than the past, and guilt results in obsessive thinking about the “would-haves, could-haves, and should-haves.” At this point, however, the obsessing is becoming counter-productive, keeping them anxious, depressed, and emotionally trapped in the past without hope. How can they let go of a painful but important past?

There are two realities within loss— the external reality of the lost “object,” i.e. person or situation, and the internal reality (the meaning) of the lost object. The internal meaning evolves over the course of the relationship, becoming an entrenched internal narrative. This narrative is much more complex than just the one-on-one relationship. Instead, the meaning has layers that usually involve our early family relationships, values, and, most importantly, our fantasy about the relationship and how life was supposed to unfold. In the end, for both Sharon and Mike, the fantasy collapsed under the weight of reality and the relationship failed. This important issue is discussed more in my book, Keep Your Eye on the Prize! (www.keepyoureyeontheprize.org). The good news is that this narrative does not have to be permanent, because the past is never static within our souls. We are always reshaping our feelings about what happened in our lives and why, and that that includes our understanding of our relationships. Sharon’s and Mike’s task is to look at their old mental narratives with “new eyes,” gain insights, and develop a new “wise woman/ wise man” perspective that replaces the old script. Over time, as they integrate new narratives into their lives, they can move past the loss and open themselves up to new relationships and life experiences.

If you are struggling with letting go, try this: first, limit the amount of “obsessing time” per day and use that energy to explore one or two options for getting out and being with other people, whether family or not. Getting out with people is important to reduce loneliness and isolation. This can be as simple as going to the gym at a certain time each day and getting to know the “regulars” there, going to sporting events, church, or temple, or volunteering at a shelter, library, or school. Second, change the environment and turn to distracting activities. Distractions can be music, movies, television, handiwork, hobbies, clubs, community events, whatever interests you. Make these two actions habits and over time, you will find that the loss begins to feel distant and unimportant. You realize that the future is different, but not necessarily worse than the past. Like a dandelion releasing its seed in the wind, in creating your new life, you have released the old pain. You have finally let go.