Dear Readers: This is the first of what I hope will become a place where we can discuss your concerns "Between Friends." When one is shared, look for this title as a lead-in to the problem. One reader emailed me this question to share with other parents and students:
"Dear Dr. Barbara,
I am seeking your advice on a matter specific to
my 17 year old daughter who is graduating in May. She has applied to several
colleges and should be in the scholarship application process now.
However, this week she sincerely expressed that she does not want to
go to college and has stopped all activity related to scholarship applications
and scholarship searches. Frankly, our family needs scholarships to help send
her to school. Her academic profile is stellar - top 10% of her
class, good community service, and extracurriculars— and she
has had no behavioral problems, except lately she just doesn't seem
happy. Her emotions have fluctuated quite a
bit during her senior year, so I'm not sure if what she's
experiencing is one of her "down" moods or
not. Meanwhile, application deadlines are approaching and
I'm concerned that she is going to lose out on scholarship
opportunities. I'm willing to entertain her postponing going to college;
however, I want it to be a careful, deliberate decision accompanied
with a plan of action. How do I handle her delicate
emotional state without damaging our relationship (which is usually pretty
good)?"
Dear Sandra,
Thank you for sharing your concerns about your
daughter. While she has expressed to you that she does not want to go to
college, she has not shared why she feels this way, and you did not mention
whether or not she has been admitted to the college of her choice or if she is
still waiting for decisions. Her inability to complete the scholarship
applications is a symptom of something else. Go with her to a quiet place where you can talk as long as you need to without interruptions. No phone calls or people to intrude. Reassure her that you
and her father want only the best for her in life and will support her decision
to defer college, but you also feel that it is important to understand the
basis for it. Your listening ear will convey your love; it is indifference that
injures relationships. As you listen, reflect back to her what you are hearing
her say, so that she can also hear what she is saying. Feel free to ask
clarifying questions to be sure you are hearing her correctly. Her decision may
come from a variety of emotional places and may have been building over time.
As discussed in my book, Hold On To Your Hat! www.holdontoyourhat.org the entire college application
process may have exhausted her emotional resources, and the anxiety may be
intense as she waits for decisions--a true emotional marathon race! She may
just need a gap year; many students do. They enjoy taking a breather from
academics by working or getting involved in a project. However, if she wants to
take a gap year, it would be important for her to organize a plan to use this
time constructively. As you talk, however, explore further to see how she has
been doing overall this year. Has she been feeling depressed but has not
disclosed this? Is there a relationship problem that is getting her down? Is
she afraid to separate from home and friends? Is she afraid of the social and
academic challenges of college? Ask about how she has been sleeping or if
anxiety or the "blues" are troubling her. If, in your discussion, she
seems to lack energy, appears sad and overwhelmed, is having trouble sleeping
or eating, is starting to have trouble functioning generally, or is at a loss
to understand what is going on with herself, a visit to a professional can
often help her through this time, and postponing college until she feels
enthusiastic about the prospect could be a wise idea.
Dr. B
No comments:
Post a Comment