Holiday
Heartbreak*
Carol recently fell into a
depression after breaking up with John, her boyfriend of a year. Tearfully, she told me, “He’s not what I
thought he was. Worse, I just saw him
with another girl, but I still want to take him back again! What’s wrong with
me, and why can’t I let him go?” Broken relationships are hard anytime, but
especially during the holidays, in which relationships can be stressed by additional
social pressures. When we fall in love, often we go for a long time seeing only
the ideal parts of a person and overlooking their character flaws (like John’s
unfaithfulness). We can miss the warning
signs of problems until eventually we can no longer ignore them, and our
fantasies of the person collapse along with the relationship, leaving us
depressed and disillusioned. Here are 7 insights Carol gained through our
talks. If you are struggling with a “holiday heartbreak,” they may be of help
to you!
1. She became aware of her anger
toward John for his betrayal of her trust. This was a positive thing! Anger can bring the
insight, clarity, and reality we need to understand where we went wrong in our
assessment of the person.
2. She learned that she had put
John on a pedestal, glossing over the many times he was unreliable, because she
did not want another failed relationship. She had to face the fact that John was just not that "into" her.
3. She determined that in the
future, she would reserve judgment until enough time passed that she could
evaluate the guy more realistically by looking at both his positive and
negative qualities based on his behavior in different situations. Then she
could decide if the positives outweighed the negative, and more importantly, if
she could accept and work with his human limitations and deficits. (Everyone
has them!)
4. She realized that in general she
had been too dependent on men for her happiness and needed to work on “individuation,”
i.e. developing her own sense of self-esteem and identity independent of a love
relationship.
5. She used her anger to compile
a list of reasons why John would not have been a good long-term relationship for her. Then she listed the traits she needed in a relationship in order to make it a happy one.
6. She identified an “addictive”
behavioral pattern with John consisting of his unfaithfulness, her
confrontation of him, a fight, break up, and Carol’s “forgiving” him and
returning to the old status quo with no real change.
7. Finally, she determined to
“break” the addiction by resisting the urge to re-unite with him and turning
instead to friends and family for support. With their help, she was able to refrain
from “vegging out” and obsessing on her loss, and instead, try out some low-keyed
social, community service, and religious activities that did not require her to
bring a date. She returned to the gym, had friends over for a get together, and
started a new hobby, photography. Carol realizes that getting over John will take time, but she has a
solid strategy to get there. Even better, she has grown from this letdown,
gained a stronger sense of self, and acquired the tools to establish a solid,
happy, and mature relationship in the future. She is working on converting her
holiday heartbreak to holiday health. Go girl!
*To learn
more about this topic, see Keep Your Eye on the Prize—a Young Person’s Guidebook to
Adulthood, Chapter 5:“The Emotional Compass Point—Falling in Love, Projecting
the Ideal” (www.keepyoureyeontheprize.org).
